Codemics Halloween Exclusive:
25 ways to kill a zombie
With the potentiality for a zombie apocalypse growing stronger every day, it’s time we all seriously considered all our options for putting a zombie back in the ground. Sad to say, but the good ole’ bullet to the temple may not suffice these days. This is because there are three specific types of zombie to consider in potential uprisings these days. First, we have your typical walking dead. Body shots never seem to do much, as the heart and circulatory system have become completely irrelevant. What does still seem to matter with these guys is that their cerebral cortex is still involved in physical functions. Thus, a solid head shot will not only put them out of commission, but it is essentially the only way to put them down. Either a solid projectile to the brain, or just chop off the head all together – usually once that spinal column is disengaged you’re good to go.
The second type of zombie is the still living, virus infected human. These folks have not yet actually died; they’re merely infected with some sort of condition that makes them long to eat your face. While these zombies are usually quite driven and incredibly aggressive, they are much easier to eliminate. Since they are still operating under the physical laws of a normal human, a direct chest shot or any other fatal wound will send them on their way.
The third type of zombie is the most difficult to deal with – the regenerated corpse that is externally and supernaturally powered. With these walking demonoids, the brain and nervous system have nothing to do with the operating system of the zombie. Thus even removing the head could still result in an aggressive torso coming your way. Complete annihilation or some sort of finalized incapacitation is required with these guys, and after messing with one it never really gets any easier to sleep at night. Since the range of difficulty is so extensive in killing these third types of zombies, and the second kinds are essentially humans, I will focus on the first zombie I mentioned – the classic brain-driven walking dead. Here are 25 ways to successfully kill one.
The Classy Dame
If you’re a stylish lady, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your fashion sense for certified zombie protection. There are plenty of tools you already have with you that can not only help you safely take down the walking dead, but can have you looking quite hip in the process. First off you want to try to maintain as great a distance from your approaching zombie as possible. But mind you, you will need to go on the aggressive here. This is why long necklaces and longer strapped purses or handbags are ideal. Circling around the approaching zombie, use the straps to loop around the creature’s neck. Their reaction time is slow, so you shouldn’t have any interference from their arms if you land a direct loop. Once you have them at the end of your line, move to the rear of the zombie so that the lasso is now against the front of their neck. With one strong tug downwards, pull the straps forcing the undead to the ground. You’ll find that once on their back, they’ll react somewhat like a flipped turtle – a lot of tossing and turning. Their focus will now be on getting up though, no longer on eating your flesh. With one foot, stand firmly on your bag or necklace so you keep the creature pinned to the ground. It will take nearly half a minute before the zombie realizes what’s restricting it, so you should have ample time here. With your other foot, take off your high-heeled shoe. Ideally you want to have a spike heel of at least 3 inches or more. Grasping the toe of the shoe firmly in your hand, remain behind the zombie and slam the spike into his temple as hard as possible. His flesh will be somewhat loose and you will have adrenalin pumping, so it shouldn’t be as hard as you think. Once you’ve gone far enough, you should notice an immediate stop of motion in the creature. If you angled yourself correctly, the blood should have spurt down the length of the creature and away from you, leaving your dress unsoiled for the rest of the day.
God Bless the U.S.A.
If there’s anything better than killing zombies, it’s killing zombies while you salute your country. This is also extremely beneficial for children as a way to add some excitement to the gruesome and sometimes boring task of zombie killing. For this situation you’ll need some fairly high-grade fireworks. We’re not saying sticks of dynamite per se, but you’ll need something a little stronger than a few sparklers. If the zombie is in deep enough stage of decay, a couple solid roman candles might work fine. Now the idea is to get the fireworks directly into the mouth of the zombie, prior to their actual ignition. There’s two ways to go about this. For the larger, more colorful display you’ll need the assistance of a few friends. While you distract the creature from the front, have two friends grab it from the sides. Next you’re going to want to take 2-3 large mortars, or 5-6 roman candles, and cram them into the creature’s mouth. You want to have a large enough clump so that you can assure it won’t find the jaw space to break through them. You obviously want to hold the fireworks as low down on the stick as possible during this process to avoid getting bit. Once the arsenal is fully inserted, wrap duct tape around the creatures head to secure the explosives to his face. Then just light the ends and run away – if you positioned things correctly, the fireworks should rip right through his head. For smaller yet equally as entertaining displays, find a piece of goat or sheep’s brain from your local butcher. Stick a couple M80’s in the center of the meat with the wicks sticking out. Light the ends and throw the whole thing your zombie’s way. He’ll gobble the entire piece down, and if timed correctly you’ll get a full explosion in the back of the throat. Make sure you shield you eyes and mouth on this one – there will be splatter.
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